BPD Breakup Codependent Protective Patterns Inhibit Recovery

Great stream A.J. Very helpful information for people with codependency. I really also appreciate your empathy and the way you educate both people with BPD and non-borderlines on the same (many past live’s too) Live Stream. It not only shows your vast knowledge but also your highly attuned professional skills. You are so wise and manage that balance with such integrity and with a consistent approach and amazing insight whether talking with a person with BPD or a non-borderline. I think so many people - on both sides can learn so much from you. Gratitude 🙏🏻 Thank you for being you A.J. You Rock!! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Excellent accurate and very helpful information as always A.J. Thanks for all you do! 🙏🏻 You get it right and are consistently spot on Live Stream after Live Stream and across your vast body of work on this channel and your blogs etc. This stream you were so in your professional stride (again, as you consistently always are) of educating all of us and simultaneously skillfully helping the person with BPD on this stream. Awesome! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

The person with BPD in my life said "I feel like you're lumping me in with your past traumas. I don't see the connection. I'm sorry about your bad luck."

No, she really didn't see.

I have been watching you for a while when I realized that my partner had BPD. I did not even know what it was. I have been recycled over 20 times, what would happen is that she would start to split, but I did not know what we're happening. She would get mad and leave but then call or text, and I knew something were wrong and after years of this I finally start to research. At first I thought she was a narcissist then I found out about BPD. Then I realized what were going on and found your channel. I could never understand why I would keep taking her back over and over and finally I tried to disconnect emotionally. After eight years she has left yet again and now I am understanding that I will need to get help through this. I also never realized I were codependent. I grew up with an alcoholic father and an emotionally unavailable mother but thought everything were fine. I have never been in this type of relationship before. All if my other relationships were normal and I never had an issue with being mistreated. It has never been this hard to let go of a relationship so I have booked a session with you because now I know this is more serious than I thought.

I think my male partner has bpd, but he’s only diagnosed with ptsd and major depression. He was married for 10yrs has 2 kids. Hes been in therapy 5 years, same
Therapist who has a good reputation. The therapist told him his mother and ex wife were abusive and he was. Getting suicidal so she told him to go no contact with both and get a divorce. He did one year of DBT and did all the homework and knows the skills well, but graduated out and doesn’t use the skills until he is in the middle of a bigger issue vs practicing in daily life. I met him when he was 2 yrs post separation and the divorce was finally getting finished up. We were friends first (1.5 months), and developed feelings at the same time and were careful before declaring it a relationship (2months), we weren’t physical until the 5th month of knowing each other and made sure we both wanted a committed relationship that could lead to marriage. We had a lot of cool things in common that I know is not mirroring because of how it was revealed. I thought all his symptoms were from the ptsd of past abuse, divorce, a job loss and missing his kids. But the 4th month we knew each other he had an episode of trying to reach me/get my attention at an innapropriate time and it was excessive overblown emotions, very intense, hot cold statements, all before I could even respond and it took awhile after for him to finally understand my point of view and he apologized very sincerely. In the 6 months following, it happened two other times but a much less intense version and made incredible efforts afterward to hear me out and ask what I wanted/needed. We had a plan for his next crisis but he couldn’t follow it and he said he didn’t remember making a commitment of a date/time to talk next during the crisis and had immediately called back asking to talk despite us both just agreeing to some space of 3 days. Within a few minutes he said he could vaguely remember agreeing to that but didn’t think it was a good idea and wanted to speak sooner….all this in the middle of the night…forced conversation, breaking some boundaries. Also, I’ve noticed some manipulation around the times he wants me to spend with him and his kids that he doesn’t get often. It doesn’t seem malicious but as a recovering codependent I experience the painful tugs of guilt and ask that he not do that, but he does and I don’t think he recognizes it. We have a passionate love over 9 months and still going, but I’m concerned I can’t seem to clear my head and get things done in my own life and his life has been taking too long post divorce to come together as well. I worry we are hindering each other. I think he is BPD (even his ex said so) but that he is getting very close to recovery as he is more mature than most men I know and while he still has some occasional crisis moments, his recovery behavior is impressive and sincere. Though, I feel very loved and safe most times, after those few episodes I have questioned if his love is an immature love and if he’s healed enough to be in a serious relationship. He is in therapy 2x a week, but I’m not sure it’s specifically targeted enough to heal his bpd if he doesn’t have a diagnosis….i suspect she knows and hasn’t labeled him but she sent him to DBT and she does help explain to him my perspective and he comes back understanding and better. However, I’m also recovering from a past abusive marriage and feel fragile. I think my codependency is healed enough to act appropriately and catch issues right away, but I can still get caught in thinking traps when he has his crisis moments. Is it possible that his BPD and my codependency is healed enough and we are mature enough to stick this out as long as we are in therapy and improving? Or is your position that both need to be completely healed before even starting a relationship? If bpd heal, it makes me sad to go no contact and think he’ll heal and be this amazing man for someone else. He does have very special traits I have not found in any other man and Ive dated a lot. However I don’t want to be duped in to thinking he’s “almost” healed, invest more of my heart, and find out he’s not and most of his symptoms are inside toward himself or hidden because we only see each other 1-2x a week. (We text every day and talk every other though). I am ultimately committed to doing the right thing for myself, I just don’t know enough about bpd to know how close he is to healing and I would hate to give up on him and my own love for him if he’s close. I think I could deal with another 1-2 years as long as he keeps showing improvement. However I would want him to get checked for bpd officially and I don’t know how to approach that with him in a way that isn’t toxic or cruel because I know I can’t diagnose but if he wants me to be his partner it’s important for him to know if he has a serious disorder and target his therapy accordingly. Is that okay to say to him? As a recovering codependent it’s hard to know sometimes where the line is drawn between my rights to know things and expect things and ask for things as a condition of being a partner in the relationship vs when it’s overstepping in to none of my business and I need to accept things as is and leave if I don’t like it. He seems the type to want to know exactly what I want and try to give it, but he does get sensitive and hurt sometimes which can make it hard to approach issues, though we still can and do. Your advice is appreciated. If you have a video about recovery length and signs of recovery and how to tell if you’re recovered and ready to date I would appreciate anyone linking it or typing the title. Thanks