Do Grandparents in Hawaii Do Too Much? Babysitting, Private School Tuition, Burnout?

As a Haole I think it is easier to say no to babysitting grandkids on a regular arrangement. Asian and Polynesian culture seems to see it as expected. Babysitting seems to be part of retirement here but some grandparents feel abused.

Another good topic that many can relate to, and your take on it is balanced and fair.
We raised our kids without help from grandparents. Three of the four had already died and I lived on the other side of the world from my mother. She wished she could spend more time with her grandchildren. Many of my friends were SAHMs but as grandmothers, they have been full-time carers for grandkids - a second go round that not all were happy about. Sometimes I wished I had more time with my grandson but other times, not so much. As I age, I have diminishing energy levels, and a friend of mine is totally wiped out after a couple of days with grandkids. As for finance, I suspect that not all retirees have much to spare.

When my kids were little (not going to school yet), my in-laws help was much appreciated! Without their help, we'd have to hire a sitter which would mean a good chunk of our income would go to that. We'd do grocery shopping and help with other supplies and money, but my father-in-law would take the money and buy savings bonds in the kids' names. Once the kids started school, thank goodness for A+. Say what you will about Governor Cayetano, but his A+ program was a lifesaver.

This is happening in the mainland too. Grandparents are going more for there kids to help out.
From Ohio

It’s not cultural. It’s a lack of any accountability or willing tot are responsibility by today’s parents. It’s just too easy to hand the kids of to the grandparents while mom and dad are off doing their thing and I don’t mean working I mean off going out to fancy dinners and hanging out with friends or whatever. I knew my grandparents but was never reliant on them from a monetary standpoint. We would visit every 1-2 weeks but we never expected anything from them other than just enjoying being with them.

Also, private school is not looked down on as much as is said. It’s a status thing but the company I work for most of the management and execs are public school students and we’ve found the private school student sometime have more difficulty adapting to an environment where just reading the book to find an answer is not possible. You need to use your brain to solve problem and find that they are not a.ways the best at that. They were trained early on that as long as you study (memorize the answers) you will succeed. That. It always the case in the real world.

Well said ❤

My grandparents left me nothing but generational trauma :)

I miss my grandmas ham and cheese sandwiches with meadow gold pog… great memories

Your view point is very ha’aha’a. That is appreciated.

Hi Chris, great topic. I don't remember my grandparents taking care of us as kids because my mom stayed at home. But my parents definitely did a lot with my nephews and nieces. It is because of what you said, two incomes are needed to get by in Hawaii. It seemed like my parents took the grandkids every weekday after school and sometimes on weekends, but they were happy to have them.

Here in Hawaii, I see a lot of grandparents being the full time parent to their grandchildren due to issues with the parents. I miss my grandparents. My Mom’s mother taught me so much about our family history.

Awesome video. Keep up the great work.

As Japanese origin, we generally don't expect our parents to babysit our children. We have generation gaps regarding child rearing. We disagree on how to raise a child sometimes. Many of our parents want to have freedom. They raise us (usually mothers) themselves, so they don't want to babysit kids anymore. I raise my child solely because we don't have any family here. I don't have the energy to babysit even my own grandkids if I have. I am always amazed that locals babysit their grandkids with no problems. Locals don't have😮 conflict the way to raise kids? I met both sides of my grandparents 2 or 3 times a year. We stayed at their house about 1 week each time. Do you and your wife want to babysit your grandkids in the future?

Most definitely

In Japanese there is a phrase "arigata-meiwaku". You should look it up =)

So many instances where one of the kids moves into the parents' home with their family. Grandparents not only babysit the live-in grandchildren, but also feed them, do laundry, chauffeur them, bathe them, nurse them when ill, etc. etc. So much time is given to the live-ins; all the other grandchildren are basically not involved with papa and gma. Then, as gma and papa age and become frail ... who do you think should be "pitching in" the most? Who do you think gets blamed for not helping more? AND WHO DO YOU THINK FEELS THAT THEY DESERVE MORE OF THE PROPERTY AFTER PAPA AND GMA ARE GONE? Yep .... lived basically rent free for more than 30 years ... and still forget how much grandma and papa did for them. Everything is self-serving for them. 👹👿

We often assume that the parents or grandparents can afford to take care of the little ones, but they are probably more broke.

When grandparents help too much financially, the kids should be told that the grandparents are helping out...Lots of them (the kids) become entitled because they never experience lack.... the expect someone else to fill in the gaps. You said it right that grandparents are there to help, not to serve.

Good to see this Video! I have observed this is mostly an Asian Grandparent thing. Very supportive which is wonderful for the whole family! Also the kids usually inherit their Parents House which also furthers the development of a more stable life. As somehow the Asian Grandparents were able to obtain a home by having enough income. Also Asian Grandparents live long lives so the support is good and lengthy. I have always been envious of this dynamic. It’s like generations of stability and generational wealth and status here in Hawaii. I know this sounds racist but to me I’m just stating facts that the Asians in Hawaii are like the privileged whites of the mainland

Bravo of this topic especially when you marry into a different culture that doesn’t do this. It’s not a right or wrong thing. If one enjoys being the daddy to his grandkids it is his choice. But don’t guilt trip your wife, your ignoring to help your single parent daughter. Aloha

HA! MPI was my go to & also my grandparents enjoyed saying I was a MPI grad. My grandparents are the best & so are my parents. I love being a parent myself. 🎉I think grands are essential it’s to perpetuate the culture in their family. Btw my dad & mom worked hard to put me through MPI & my brother didn’t go back to KHS because they wanted me to get an education ❤❤❤ I love my parents & grands 🥰

Yeah, because childcare is so FUKIN high 🤷

I often wonder who benefits from the rumor that public schools are so terrible that you have to send your kids to private school. All my friends went to public school and many now have master degrees. I do understand that paying for private school buys ypu that piece of paper that will impress other people that are in love with money, but are they really better? We have some pretty stupid dumbshtz that come from the ivy league university so what does that mean?! Money buys you pieces of paper that are code to the people with money.

I am almost done watching the whole video. I’m glad you brought up the elitism of Private school whether Grandparents paid or not. I’m sure most families don’t admit that Grandparents are helping with Tuition or even Nepotism.

I’m thankful my in-laws help out where they can… but I make it a point to do my best to balance it. My parents on the other hand are the old school Asians who say, “You make ‘em, you watch ‘em!”

Hi Chris, I was born and raised on Oahu and spent Monday-Friday at my grandparent’s house while both my parents worked. My parents would pick my sister and I up from their house after work every work day. My grandpa picked us up from school everyday up until high school. I guess we took it for granted back then. Now that I have my own family, I realize how different it is. My husband and I work and take care of the kids and they only go to their grandparent’s house once a week when we both need to work. I was recently thinking about this exact topic and have been feeling sad thinking about my grandparents. I don’t remember them traveling or doing too many things that they wanted to do in those golden years. We were always there. I am thankful and grateful for the time and memories but also can’t help but wonder if my grandparents missed out on life because of us. 😢

A lot of grandparents are taken advantage of by their children which is their own fault. A lot of grandparents also take care of their grandchildren because their kids are either in jail or just losers.

I am not from Hawaii or Asian. My grandparents were my babysitters, paid for private school, sent me on many school trips, bought books and uniforms, paid for car repairs and insurance. Thank god , i would be a different person today if they hadn’t taken care of me.

People have children at older ages now than years ago, so grandparents have gotten sometimes considerably older than past generations. They really can not do what some of our grandparents did. My grandfather was still working when i was in junior high school he retired at 62 and grandmother didn’t work.

As a grandma, I have seen too many of my friends become involved every day in picking up, dropping off, taking here and there to the point of it being almost a full time job! My own girls know that if they sign up their kids for whatever extracurricular activity, that they have to figure it out the transportation part on their own. But they do know that I am available to help out in a pinch. I give them no financial help at all - again, you live within your means. As another person commented - you make 'um, you pay for 'um!!

Haven't seen you in awhile.

In Hawaii, it's not uncommon to have 3 generations living in the same house. How could it not happen?

I don’t have kids and probably never will but if I do it’ll be awesome for my parents to see them as much as they can. Because seeing them growing up in their golden years is special. Life is short so cherish the moments before it’s gone. I never had the chance to see and grow up w grandparents and I always envy those who do have. In the end, it’s all how you were raised up.

I am a first time grandmother. We live in the mainland but our grandbaby, that we will meet in a few weeks, lives in Hawaii. We are retired and I would love to live there to help care for my granddaughter in order to help out the two working parents. It is something I would "want" to do, not because I "have" to but because I want to. I think it is up to the grandparents to set their limits on how much they can and want to help out with.
I will offer to help out with my granddaughter's schooling with what I can, until I can. But this is my personal choice not an obligation. It is also up to the parents, and also the grandparents, to invoke and instill humility and humblness to the kids. The fact that they go to a better school, regardless of who pays for it, does not make them better than all others. We adults are responsible to teach this to our kiddos to be kind and respectful to all others regardless of who they are, what they have, where they live, what they do for work, or what school they attend. I look forward to, if I have the means, to treat all my grandkids to Zippy's or an ice-cream. To me being a grandparent is a reward! ❤

The problems arise when the grandparents are taken advantage of, and the grandparents end up raising the kids and paying for everything. I've seen this many times. Or the kids live with their parents and don't help out. They don't pay rent; don't pay a portion of the mortgage, don't even pay the electric bill. They make the grandparents pay for everything. Yet the kids go and buy lifted trucks, electric bikes, go on three mainland trips per year - Cal Ripken Tournament on the mainland, volleyball junior nationals, U12 mainland soccer tournaments, etc.

That's why if my kids ever live with me, I'm making them pay rent, utilities, etc. Yeah, sure, I watch your kids (my grandkids), but you also clean my yard, paint my house, wash my car, clean my windows and screens, power wash my driveway, and scrub down my trash barrels every two weeks. I no sked tell my kids off. They either pull their own weight, or they can move out.

Hi, My children are in their twenties. They do not "need" their parents anymore ,,, for now. However, if and when they have their own family, if they need mum and dad in any way, we are always there for them. Sure this is a continuation of us making "sacrifices" for your child's welfare. However, my wife and I would rather draw our last breaths in this world knowing we did what we could to help our children during and after we are gone; rather than regret the 'sacrifices" we did not make. We discussed and felt this when they were small, we felt the same when they were finding their own footing, and even now living fairly frugally on a pension we think and feel the same. It is said "your grandchildren are CUTE, your children as PRECIOUS" If looking after or assisting our grand-children is what is needed for my children ,,, well, that's just the "icing on the cake"🎂

I find this a really, really interesting topic. I live on the east coast on the mainland, in a multigenerational house. My mom grew up this way, living with her Polish immigrant grandparents and parents, so she likes living in such an arrangement. The arrangement is a little more foreign to my dad, but he tells us he wouldn't have it any other way.

All of us live together. Me as an auntie, my parents, my brother, Taiwanese sister-in-law and their two young kids.
I think its worked out fairly well so far. It's been several years. We all get along great. I lost my partner to death a few years ago suddenly, and it gave me alot of comfort to live with a big support system during my grief. So I guess in a way it's slightly different a situation because it's not just my parents helping to raise the kids, it's auntie as well, which gives them a breather too. We all work as a team with my brother and SIL.

It took awhile to find the right balance of who is going to do what with the kids, but there are alot of hands to help, and I think in the end it will be a good thing. In the end, mommy and daddy are still the boss.
There's no denying the kids really benefit emotionally. They are absolutely LOVING life and are very joyful. The oldest very early on got the family dynamics down, and is very interested in the whole concept of a family, and everyone being together. I have no doubt that the idea of family will be very important to them as they grow up and make families of their own, which I think is cool.❤ Yeah, it's probably looked upon strangely from the outside, but it was something we did out of necessity on all ends, and there's been beauty in it as well. I also see that is becoming increasingly more common. Many of our neighbors are in the same situation. I think as long as boundaries are clear and fair, it can work out very well. It's going to highly depend on the situation, of course!

I would think, my guess, is that grandparents in Hawai'i are generally typically overburdened regarding grandchildren.

This condition escalated across the U.S. starting from 1981 and on.

It is a fascinating thing, though, since the classic single-income, head-of-household income earner American Dream nuclear family condition ruled the way of USA Life and culture between 1900 and 1980; prior to that span of time (pre-1900) it was the normal for grandparents to be under the same home under the same roof (two generations in the household). The "old folks" sort of reverted back to being like children, doing chores (albeit WISE old children).
It's how people lived and died .

I may be Haole, but my mainland state includes a large chunk of the Navaho Nation . Having good friends from that tribe, I C that grandparents R such an integral part of their grandchildren’s lives, it can seem almost shocking 2 outsiders. This may have economic reasons behind some of it NOW, but historically that really IS their cultural tradition anyway!!!

My family told me don’t ask for help this is my kid so don’t ask my uncles or aunties or grandparents. And we are 2 kids oldest one is 9 and we haven’t had not one person watch them in 9 years. Ever. We are burnt out some, but it’s ok I don’t want to put my kids onto others. My family is just honest so they said don’t ask us. I’m fine with it. 99.99% of my friends all have grandparents watching their kids 90% of the time and the parents watch the kids 5% and school watches the last 5%.
Idk I know grandparents don’t want to raise your kids they just don’t say it.

On the private schools, when I visited KONA, I attended the very first Christian church in HAWAI’I (which still stands as of the SECOND construction after the fire a very, very long time ago but took some minor earthquake damage). I also discovered its PHYSICAL attachment 2 one of the campuses of the royally founded kingdom wide (ooops, statewide now!) private school SYSTEM. The docents in the first PALACE explained that 2 us, AS did the church historian. WONDERFUL program 4 the money, & I myself once taught on mainland.

I applaud you for bringing up this topic. I’m glad that you realize and take responsibility as a parent, and not rely on grandparents. As you know how precious your time was with your grandparents, I know your children will cherish memories they’ve made and continue to make with their grandparents.

I went Hong wanji school in Nu'uanu and i use to go to obachan house in the morning. Then grandpa would drive me to school and pick me up till i was 2nd grade. I remember obachan cooked spam and rice, fish and rice. After school and even anadagi for one snack. My dads side of the family is japanese my mom is Native american. Now i live in Montana and i think about my grandparents all the time and the times we use to go to Alamoana to go eat at Shirokiya. When it was next to Liberty House. 😢

Growing up my grandmother was like a 2nd parent to me, reflecting back I wish I behaved a lot better to give her an easier time. My grandfather had Alzheimer's so she was taking care of me on her own.

Very well said, should be required watching for everyone with kids and parents helping out. Empathetic and practical at the same time. You were a family counselor in a previous life 😊

I think grandkids keep grandparents young. Grandparents find meaning, needed, and usefulness from taking care of grandkids. My parents raised my niece for 7 years while my sister went to college in OR. Paid for my niece's private school, paid my sister's college tuition, bought my sister a house...etc. My dad was 70 at the time retired. Mom worked PT at LH while also working for the City FT.

more people live in hawaii too. grandparents also share knowledge with grandkids.

I'm guilty of this. But I love the spoil and return program.

This topic came about because a friend commented on how they saw some grandparents taking out a group of grandkids for lunch at Zippy's and wondered if the grandparents enjoyed doing that if it that was a regular expectation. In Hawaii, we love our grandparents, but I do think it's worth taking a look at this issue since it's so ingrained in our local culture - that grandparents watch the grandkids. I'm thankful for my grandparents, as well as the grandparents to our kids. 🤙