Clay Andrews: 5 Stages Of Getting Your Ex Back

Hey Clay! Commenting first to get ready for your video today. Thank you for all your videos as they're very helpful. I wanted to ask if you have any advice about my current situation. My gf of 3.5 yrs broke up with me March 2nd. It came outta left field. I haven't heard from her since, only bread crumbs from mutual friends. I reached out a couple times early on saying the door is open and I'm working on myself but idk what else to do. Idk if we will ever talk again or she just needs more space. I'm worries the more space between us the more she will never come back. I've really enjoyed working on myself and becoming a better person but I still miss my best friend.

Hey clay

If they don't want to connect or text at all when you reach out, they're probably an avoidant. I know reaching out within the first one to two weeks after I, an FA, cut everything off is honestly very horrible advice.

Dropping the emotional pressure don’t you think that may make them comfortable to keep you on a Frien zone

That's an unrealistic advice to say the least 🙄

Hey there Clay, my question is if my ex and I have been apart for a year and he is supposedly back with his ex prior , why would he be offering to help me with my business and sending me a gift ?

She broke up 3 months ago i took her for granted i only sent 1 hello text after 1 month she was angry another hello text after second months she was angry now another month went by what to do how long shes going to be angry i didnt beg cry i did work on myself cause yes i had to be better...
I put more details in comment section thx

They don't know what they want And you can't do much about it either 😅

They are confusing themselves with keeping hidden options, even when they have been caring in the relationship they are sabotaging it. Looking for the way out.

We were connecting and getting close... but it's never emotional or deep enough. I realize hes been closed off since the relationship even started. I can't figure out how to spend time with him and help his walls go down so we can connect. We were like at the end of Riding the Dragon and for some reason they're cold.. but they were never really warm either.. So I have no idea. It's LDR :( I feel hopeless

Its crazy how I watched you in highschool exactly 10 years ago to get my ex back (which worked) but then life happened and we seperated, dated other people and reconnected. I now realize I want her back again and this time, for good. And here I am, 10 years later, watching your videos again. Thanks alot Clay!

They did shut down. Because they are a cheaters. Wanting to explore new options and dating other people. But provoking and using the argument as an excuse for breaking up.

Clay, your videos give me hope. This crisis point combined with no contact is so scary! I feel like I’m losing him.

In my situation I broke up with him.

We remained close and talking on the phone for 6 months. When I approached getting together he had an initial backing off, but then warmed back up.

Things were going really well. I wasn’t putting pressure on him and letting things unfold naturally. We had been connecting emotionally and laughing too, like we always had.. Work got busy for him and I took it the wrong way. Add in the crisis point to the mix. (Tho work could just have been crisis point in disguise) I reacted emotionally and did everything you’re not supposed to do. In my mind it felt like the tables had turned and now he was breaking up with me. Abandonment stuff got triggered and I panicked.

Now we are not speaking at all. It all came out of nowhere. I guess I’m doing “no contact” now, but I’m truly using the time to work on myself with self help books, therapy, and meditation.

I’m afraid there is no hope. I think NC is appropriate for us both to get space from what has felt like a cloud of drama.

Is there any coming back from this?

(Sorry for the long comment - no expectations on a reply)

Love to swe a video on how to handle each stage

Some very good points here and insightful. Well done. One of the thing I take exception with is these videos are about what the other person needs to feel safe. When do we as dumpees get to have our needs met? At some point the person we’re trying to repair a relationship with has to come over to our side and give us some of the things we need to continue the process. If it is constantly about what they need to feel safe that is a bottomless black hole. At some point even someone doing the right things and meeting the other persons needs is going to say fuck this I’m done and give up. Then the emotionally confused person is like “where’d he go?? - why isn’t he pursuing??” Honestly - I’d like to hear from the perspective of what the confused dumper should be doing on the other side to regain our trust respect and make it worthwhile to even think about giving them another chance after all the confusing texts breadcrumbs hot cold behavior and the pain they have inflicted. At some point no matter how much each other care, it’s no longer worth the dog and pony show and the dumpee says I’m out and is gone for good. I totally understand some relationships should be left alone. But sometimes there is confusion and lingering feelings and it’s worth working on. The dumpee is always assumed to have F’d up somehow and that’s not always the case. Many times it is, but there are many good honest well meaning people who have been cast aside like trash who didn’t deserve it. The dumpee tends to suffer more and it always comes back to us and our responsibility to fix things. Blame lies on both sides in a relationship but The dumper took it away they should be the ones to do majority of the heavy lifting and put it back In an otherwise healthy decent relationship ….IFFFFF….it’s to be saved.

Would you say 3 months is too long to wait to reignite with an ex? We haven’t shared any communications since the BU but have plans to potentially meet in a few weeks

Man, after watching a lot of things on the internet I gotta say that your strategy makes most sense because it relies on both people communicating when they’re ready and if they both want to reestablish connection. No manipulations or tricks. We’ll see how it goes but it seems that instead of a breakup it was just a big argument. Thanks man.

I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14 years. We have 4 children and we are separated. I would like to earn her back. And would like to take your advice. I just need some help to get through things. Explain some stuff to see whats going on besides this. Peace

You're the best, Clay. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and I intuitively went no contact, but I was in so much pain since it was the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I was totally blindsided by the breakup. At first I was skeptical about your approach but decided to give it a try, so after 2 months of NC I reached out to him. I felt he was kinda reluctant on our first dates so I was still skeptical, but it turns out the stages you describe seem to be pretty accurate... We've been reconnecting at an emotional level and on our last dates he was so clearly open and in love again, I'm really feeling like we're gonna get back together soon. Speaking in terms of attachment theory I could say he's more on the avoidant side and I'm more anxious, but we're both working on ourselves and if anything I believe this breakup could make our bond stronger. So now I came back to this video to get some insight on the last stages you describe and to thank you - a lot :) Just weeks ago I'd never guess I'd have him back to being all loving and tender, and had I stick to the NC bullshit I might actually never did.

I really compare to riding the dragon fase so many mixed feelings she shows one day she loves me one day she wants distance. Then she asking questions again. Yesterday she texted me often suddenly and then out of nowhere she says I want no contact because I’m dreaming about you with another girl and it’s not good for her mental health.. the same night she texted me “I’m sitting so deep” and “nevermind sorry for texting” haven’t heard from her since 2days ago any advice?

Thank you so much. Everywhere I’ve looked they’ve told me to do no contact but it just never felt right. I’m going to listen to your advice and ask them to hang out (just as friends) this weekend! Will come back to this comment in a few weeks or months when I’ve either moved on or we’ve gotten back together. My gut is telling me we will but I wanna make sure I do it right!

I went through all of this with my ex (5 1/2 years together, monogamous). He monkey branched, and 4 months later we started dating again, but he was still dating his rebound. (I knew this) They were calling it a "friends with benefits" relationship, and he wasn't giving her up. I got false hope that him and I starting to date again was going to make him want to be with just me, and that we could have a fresh start. But in the end, he wasn't going to give her up, and he said that he realizes that just one person isn't going to be all the things he needs, and he wants non-monogamous relationships now. (Seems like she got into his head with the whole idea). And he said he wanted me to "share" him with her. I ended up cutting it off.

Went no contact 2 months ago, and he's starting to reach out, but I'm just being cordial and am meeting him on the energy level that he's giving me. I'm so lost with everything. Don't even know if they're still together, and don't know what to do. I'm just taking it one day at a time for now, I guess.

This makes a lot more sense than "oh yeah, just go no contact. Say nothing forever and theyll chase you".

she broke up after 3 1/2 years to make experiences. i gave her space and went into meditation and spirituality to fix some broken abilities i had from my childhood. one month later she said she had sex with someone else because it was just easy going (we had troubles here for a long time) but she knows now, that she needs love to have sex. she says that she loves me more than anything and that i am family to her but at the same time she feels free now. i try just to be there for her and talk to her but not in a pushy way, she still has her space but its hurting me a lot and messing up my good/bad energy. its like she/we went through 4 of those 5 stages in a single week now. its exactly 8 days that we have contact again, we met and talked a lot, cried a lot, opened up in a totally new way. she also hopes that we find back together but she feels lost and confused atm. what shall i do? :(

Clay, it’s been almost two weeks since the breakup and I’m currently feeling the transition from the test drive to riding the dragon! We met up for the first time and there was a lot of smiling and giggling on her end. I really felt the emotional connection because she was so excited to tell me things that were going on in her life. She said she wants to get back together in the somewhat near future but wants us to work on ourselves. She is an avoidant so I think I am extremely lucky here considering how stubborn they can be sometimes. If anyone is reading this and is in a similar situation, my best advice is; listen to Clay, be the person they fell in love with at first, and trust the process!

this is so accurate it's crazy...

The no contact is really effective I done it less than 30days thanks very much

I wish i came across your videos 3 months ago 😞 that stupid no contact rule put me further away with my ex. Now since im applying your advise, everything starting to get better 🙏