BPD Relationship Need & Fear Cycle

I'm in love with a girl that will breakup with me if I look at her wrong. It's getting rough - I'll have to walk away soon.

We were best friends for 7 years. All hell broke loose when we started dating & getting serious.

I'm deeply grateful for the video, it has just been my anchor in a crisis caused by the push-pull pattern

Thank you. You make a lot of sense.

I suffer from this to. I actually at the time believe its my partners fault. 😢no is to late. Thanks for advice.

This is describing npd as well. Love bombing, devalue, discard

Push pull dynamic is taught in PUA community. That is how many women have this need for a relationship to be like this . Coach Cory Wayne talks about this

I dont know if this guy its an avoidant what I know its that he fears commitment.And he comes and goes! Now it became extremelly toxic for me so Im watching this videos cuz even if he isnt an avoidant the pattern seems to be the same.

Fuck this is my love life...

How do I unlearn the negatives?

The main thing there that’s so hard like you say inside out and outside in … believing I deserve something , and challenging myself and not putting it on the other person because they try to make me feel better but makes me feel worse coz like I need to do it for myself

Thanx

I’ve dealt with women displaying those nonsensical kind of self sabotage behaviours, and it’s beyond annoying. It never ends well and it’s never enough no matter what you do for them, they find real or imagined (mostly imagined) reasons to feel miserable. They’re like energy vampires that suck the mental energy and life force out of you until you cut them off and the mental leave you feel is almost instant to the point that it’s crazy how you spent so much time with that kind of crazy in your life

My tinder date. He is so masculine yet frightened when I get too close to him. I want to help him but not sure if he will ever be brave enough to give me a chance.

Doc ur nuts doc

Is my ex likely to recycle again?


My ex and I got together in June of 2023 she is currently 19 and I am currently 23. We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want. She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together, she also has watched every single story of mine within an hour of posting since the breakup…

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

Loving someone who has BPD is torture. Repeated cycles of ghosting, intense reconnection, passion, love, disappear again, without warning, even mid-conversation. It's incredibly painful. I will never involve myself with someone with BPD again.

Been there but now iv improved beches so patient

I had a sense that I was being tested over and over again and always failing those tests, but seemed too extreme, thank you now I know it wasn't just in my head.

I dont have a formal diagnosis but i push people away until it ends in flames.

Its painful for everyone.

The abandonment is my worst fear and yet I push & push until its over.

Plesse know that DR FOX's videos are about the most compassionate, insightful, humanistic, and accurate there is on BPD!
HIS work is a godsend to me, as it doesnt increase suffering, it helps us to feel a sence of acceptance and forgiveness towards oneself for living with emotional sensitivity.
Thank you somehow can never be enough! Please know DR FOX that your videos are a saving grace for many who struggle with this traumatising illness.

as someone with BPD… wow. its like youve digged into my mind and brought up all of this, barely changed at all. im more shocked than anything. im glad you dont antagonize people like me, bless

ok Dr fox I'm gna idealise u then

It’s scary how accurate this was and it sucks because I watch myself blow literally any and every relationship up over and over again. But all I want is for someone to want me enough to stay regardless.

I have met ppl who passed every test without even trying…
Best relationships of my life.

1. Recognize the pattern is inside you not in your pattern

2. identify the fears: what they’re about and where they come from. (Mom, teachers, siblings, etc)

3. Write out what you genuinely feel you deserve in relationships. (Stability, kindness, devotion)

4. Challenge those negative views and beliefs. Work on your core content and accentuate the positive about you. (I’m hot, great energy, spiritual, smart, go getter)

5. Embrace the fact that you deserve good and healthy relationships. Describe what your healthy relationships look like.

Dude spot on!

Great job Dr. Fox, as always. Thank you for the information and guidance.

Thanks!

I've recognized this pattern and I have written out my fears...they are a lot less scary when you see them on paper. Having more positives in my core beliefs helps me not be so afraid too. Instead of fearing being alone and not knowing what to do or how to cope, I say to myself that I have many friends who know how to do things or where to go for help and also I am a reourceful person and a courageous person so I can overcome anything life throws at me.

Someone with this disorder is fucking crazy. She would try manipulate me then see it not work and would completely flip on me. I’m a mommas Bois so I’ll never touch a woman but the girl I was with would take advantage of that and would honestly hit me a lot!!!! Thank god it only lasted a month because I’ve never been with someone that’s disrespected me so crazy!!!

If you meet someone with this you gotta gooo!!!!!!!!

Remember, don't skip leg day

When he said write out what you want.. I want to be heard !

Really good, So I have the push and pull in me as well, I can't handle dating secure attached woman, cause their rejection is harsh.

My bpd left me for the last time I think and it hurts . He left me with the idea that I was a terrible partner to him and that I’m the worst he ever had . He said he doesn’t think I loved him 💔 and I didn’t support him . I did everything I could in that relationship . I put up with so much emotional trauma with the high and lows . I may need therapy now myself smh . I can’t believe after all the times I knew I should’ve let him leave and moved on he’s the one who leaves me with all the baggage. I was doing so good before him . I’m a wreck now . Don’t even recognize myself . Had two abortions and experienced some of the most emotional rollercoasters of my life . I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help feel terrible because of how he acted out so much and what he’s said to me . I don’t understand reality anymore and I can’t tell what’s wrong or right . This relationship really messed me up and I’m so scared to enter another . It’s like I have this permanent mark on me that says I’m a bad partner and I don’t deserve anyone good . After a while he started blaming his episodes on me and he just all together stopped apologizing and saying things like you made me do it , I talk to you like that because what you did , you got this version because of how you treated me 😞 I knew I should’ve left along time ago but he was so sweet and seemed to be inlove with me . I ruined myself by sticking around smh . I can’t believe I let this happen . 😢

Extremely helpful.

This is excellent content! I actually noticed that I have all kinds of unhealthy relationship patterns that I always thought were the other person’s fault. For the first time my life, I’m beginning to believe that I can have someone in my life and have them close to me. It’s been a lot of grief and sadness about my past, and I’m still trying to figure out what healthy looks like for me and affirm the belief that I do deserve a stable, loving relationship. But I need to be that person too.❤

When I was young, I always wanted unavailable guys, the ones who wanted me, face na an uneasy feeling and I avoided them. I once heard that girls who grow up without fathers do this. Could that be the reason?

I recommend not dating someone with it gf switched from hot to cold withheld that she got her tubes tied but made it look like the opposite weird behavior then the ghosting started i was like nope something isnt right do NOT get involved strange behavior is big red flag no matter the appearance

I am used to being miserable and grieving in some form everyday from my own mind, but lately I’ve been seeing the physical change and toll I’m giving to the best human in the world, and the man I love most and so desperately want to give the world.

I can’t live like this, I don’t deserve to. I must change, I want to so deeply, but I’m so afraid my brain will never let me. It’s time to figure out how to end the turmoil through love and accepting the fear.

I have a partner I’m tryin to understand, as he goes from happy to disgusted with me over ideals in his mind . He blames everything but his own thoughts 💭 and refuses to meditate and heal his bs . He just projects his shadow non stop. Zero emotional maturity

I have a partner I’m tryin to understand, as he goes from happy to disgusted with me over ideals in his mind . He blames everything but his own thoughts 💭 and refuses to meditate and heal his bs . He just projects his shadow non stop

These people can now go to jail for their emotional abuse

I’ve always heard of BPD but never thought it pertained to me. I literally have every single trait. I even flipped out so bad one time I got in trouble with the law and went to prison for 2 years. Anger management issues… sometimes you go from super loving to snapping into a monster and saying anything you can that’s hurtful. Then you feel bad and assure them you love them. Impulsive. Not able to control emotions at times and generally being emotionally led to make decisions. I often find that fearful avoidant attachment is common for those with BPD

Not just BPD..My GF has complex PTSD and does the same thing...Fear based..

Love this iv bpd n this is sooo me ur an amazing doctor ❤

This isn’t really helpful at all. Doc you stumble a bit with your delivery. Js

"However anything that doesn't get burned down is retested until it gets engulfed in flames" Daaaaamn!

Push Pull ...
I viewed as nails dug in hold at arms length "I must have you near me but never close to me" grip