The Goofiest Golem In D&D That Will Literally Murder You

Dragon magazine monsters are funny and insane but have you seen Dragon magazines dragons the whatsnu Dragon and the Quasar Dragon they're crazy

Okay hear me out Chia dragon

Yo another ferrus dragon?

hear me out. I'mma take this a different direction.

These golems could be huge, given that they're merely a clay golem with plants growing on it. They could be huge, huge enough to carry a home upon its back (take the Megachelon from ARK as an example.) These golems carry so much more potential than merely natural guardians, where the land is infertile, they can grow food upon their backs, though there are many other potential uses for the creature that I most likely can't think of as of typing.

I am going with hura crepitans and Dendrocnide moroides. Then i would have a hard wood tanky golem and a potent debuff golem.

ants. a swarm of sentient ants inside one of those microcosm jars.

Vine attacks, poison clouds, typically has plants and flowers growing on its back, can bring you down absurdly quickly with D&D leech seed...yup, that's venusaur.

Charmed condition
(A la Poison Ivy from DC)

A healing Chia made from the seeds of plants used to make salves and potions. It can shake itself (just like the poison example in the video) to heal nearby creatures.

Actual poison ivy forcing PCs to spend their turn scratching unless they pass a "concentration" check.

Chia golem dragon whos "breath weapon" is just uprooting and shooting a mandrake out of its mouth

Planting or harvesting bag of beans beans. You are smart enough not to plant those yourself, but getting a handful of beans can provide income once sold.

oh aside from the tea pot chia Golem I already commented
how about a Chia golem with some carnivorous plant carrying dirt and a vampire as a makeshift mobile coffin

I don’t remember the name of the flower but if it burns it causes heavily poisonous fumes that and opium poppies are cause for a deadly combo

I gotta tell my sister about this, I'm sure her druid character would love a chia golem that grows marijuana. 🤣 I can think of a few ways that that could be useful.

Regigigas chia golem

I could imagine some world building aspects to this golem or at least something like it. you could have one of the party members find one, make one or get one as a gift. it would become a familiar and would be a large sized creature. it can carry supplies, act as a mode of transportation for the party, and be a walking garden. the golem could be limited to growing three different types of plants, which are chosen by the party member. this gives it some flexibility to ask as support, an attacker, or just a plant bed to grow stuff to sell. there could be a warding rune carved on the golem to protect the plants. the only downside is they will seek out water, sunlight, and good soil, because the golem's main job is to keep the plants alive. you could say these golems were made in mass by a kingdom that fell had trouble with farming due to the region. they are still made and used by other countries, but they lost the technique to make them as good as before. the party could pass by some ruins and discover one or more of these golems deactivated inside the golem workshop, along with the research notes to make and command these golems. sorry for the long post.

Off the bat, I'm thinking of Lost Mines of Phandelver and replacing Venomfang with an "Experimental Golem" that Reidoth lost control of.

Evil idea: Gympie-gympie chia golem. Before you laugh at the name, the perpetual pain an rash from the gympie-gympie can drive a person insane.

Dread Blossom (basically a swarm of blood-sucking, flying, extraplanar plants) on a chia golem would make for a mean encounter.

I can’t see them mentally as being any bigger than basket ball and the adorable artwork doesn’t help. I keep picturing it being box turtle sized and just head butting someone’s shoe

I am no d&d player, but i love the universe, so, i just saw the night twist, and yeah, thats what i thougth.....

I don't remember the name but theirs a fungi that creates the illusion of a beholder, its found in rhe fungi section of the Monster Manual, do with this what you will.

A massive chia golem that carries the giant beanstalk from the fairy tale. If the players need to access a specific cloud giant settlement then they have to track the thig down and lead it to specific location where the solid clouds are.

Also for more fun, silly golems check out the maggot golem in Dragon Magazine issue 339.

dungeon meshi style where the golems must be put to sleep in order to harvest the fruits and veg planted on their backs

I have two ideas for plants for these golems. Firstly, purely for the chaos of it, add mint and set it loose in some noble's garden. Secondly, a manchineel tree, which is self-explanatory for anyone who knows what those death machines do.

A underdark version could be a mushroom construct that instead of clay, uses mycelium substrate, thats been treated or cured (bassically wont rot), and haveing mushroom colony's grow upon there surfaces. Bringing up the worst and most dangerous mushrooms from the deeps of the underdark, a walking fungal spreading nightmare. Or a simple golem guild in the underdark, useing the native glowing mushroom fauna to light patchs threw the darkness for wayward teavlers.

There are a few things that come to mind for plants that are mildly horrifying for this kind of golem. Poison Ivy, Cordyceps (fungus), or wolfbane. In small doses none of these are terrible, unless you're allergic to them. Scale it up for the challenging encounters and you could end up with something that literally causes an affected player to brake out in hives bad enough that the player is crippled just by a grapple. Next we can have flesh eating plants, Venus flytraps and other carnivorous plants. grappleas can suddenly involve losing digits or entire limbs. Lastly on the healing end of things, lavender eucalyptus and tea tree all have antibacterial antiviral and analgesic properties.

Always check with the party when building custom characters. I have been on the receiving end of group dislike for TPKing with OP monsters too early in campaigns.

Would be funny if a cloud emitted from a Chia golem made people get hay fever instead of getting actually poisoned.

A criminal with a Chia Golem bodyguard covered in Oblivion Moss would be unstoppable. Commit whatever crime you want, then send in the walking amnesia.

Why I can see theses little guys been a perfect mount for a forest gnome druid?

Sword handle chia golem. Planting different seeds in it turns it into different types of magic weapons.

Any plants with healing properties, a companion for a wandering healer. Got to have something wholesome to counterbalance all the deadly versions you all are making.

Waiting for pinata golem to be a thing

Hear me out. I feel like a chia golem filled with Ophiocordyceps unilateralis (AKA the zombie fungus) would be terrifying.

Does that mean Chia Pet People infected with Chia Disease can then photosynthesise, but need extra water?

fill it with nirnroot
The overwhelming sound will drain their will to live

I immediately thought of Delicious in Dungeon. lol

A chia golem with Dread Blossom Swarm from monster manual 3 from 3.5

A Chia Golem or several planted with the DND equivalents of many medicinal plants to provide a mobile garden for a traveling healer with no real magical experience, but is a wonderfully skilled alchemist.

Have a massive one as the host of a dryad tree…

the manchineel tree. plant one of those on this golem and you have a hell of a bad day

Giant chia golem with a treehouse. That is all.

If you really hate your party, put some manchineel trees on them.

Basically everything about this tree is toxic. Like hiding under it in the rain can cause mild chemical burns and blindness toxic. Oh, and fun fact, the smoke produced from burning its wood is super toxic, so imagine trying to kill this tree killing the party on the chia golem's back with the most obvious damage, fire, and suddenly everyone within range has to take more poison damage as they suddenly are dealing with the toxic smoke and of course, the golem is holding everyone close to it and the murder trees

A few plant/fungus ideas:

The Gympie Gympie: the plant with possibly the most painful sting in the world. Think of the agony the could be induced by a living one!

Magic Mushrooms: just because I think it would be fun

Foxglove: a flower with a potent neurotoxin, also when bees pollenate them they make "mad honey", which is paralytic and and apparently hallucinogenic

Destroying Angel: INCREDIBLY poisonous mushroom. They look very similar to edible mushrooms which is an excellent reason not to forage for mushrooms unless you really know what you're doing

A chia golem infected by a shambling mound eventually blasting through its shell and using its remains as its own armor

Thanks for watching everyone! What monster would you like to see on the channel next? 🤔